“Ten Concerts I’ve Been To (But One of Them is a Lie)” — A Hipster’s List

While I’m on assignment in Akron, please enjoy this guest post from Contributing Editor Jared Zimley.

Okay, for the record? I wrote this list, like, six months ago, but in hindsight I now know that going back to my old Commodore 64 for work and web browsing was probably not the wisest decisions so now I’m a little late to the game and I have to post this dumb list the same time the rest of you idiots are posting yours.

Whatever.

So here’s a list of ten concerts. Nine of them I actually went to. One of them, I did not. Can you guess? Doubt it.

1. Golden Yabbo’s
2. Math Amphetamine
3. Praire Dog
4. George Jones
5. The Guess What
6. Memphis Jerry and the Hallelujah Jug Band
7. Stiffany
8. Nurse Shark
9. Zamfir
10. Glenn Close Quarters

Can you guess? I know a lot of you probably think it’s Math Amphetamine, but you are so wrong. I love their early stuff. The first three records? Forget about it. Especially the first side of Magical Mystery Tourniquet. It is literally the most amazing thing ever.

“So when did you see them, Jared?” I hear you asking. “Because ever since they signed a major record deal we haven’t seen you at any of their shows.” I saw them on the Fiesta! tour at the Pipeline in March, 2013. Remember that show? Of course you don’t. I was the only one there. And it was effing glorious.

So which band did I not see? (Drum roll, please…)

I never saw Nurse Shark.

I know! You’re totally flipping out. Jared, you were effing roommates with half those guys! You could probably get in for free! Maybe even backstage! And you would totally be right. But here’s why I did not go see Nurse Shark and even though they are literally and undeniably the greatest band of the 20th century I do not regret it.

1. Did you know lead singing Trevor plays guitar and accordion and the effing dulcimer and the harp and some stupid clay drum? Sure you did. Who doesn’t? But did you also know that Trevor will eat your Funyuns while you’re not at home and he won’t say a word about it? How you like your favorite band now?
2. Yes, percussionist/flautist Greg likes to drink a little onstage. No secret. But Greg also likes to drink a little after the gig. And then he’ll drink your Hot & Nasty IPA (which you thought you had hidden) and then crawl into bed with you even after you told him, like, a million times you have a very important job interview with a world class artisanal pannier craftsman the very next day. Not cool, Greg. I still bristle every time I picture you working at that job.
3. This one’s the kicker: Every single member of that dumb stupid band — all twelve of them — has at one point in his or her life stolen from directly under my nose my girlfriend. And I’ve had it. Find your own love elsewhere. You guys are touring the tri-state area. You meet plenty of women. Date them. You monocled idiots best stay away from my loves.

Now, granted, ever since I started making quilts on the graveyard shift, I haven’t had much time for rock concerts. But once I get my promotion to hem stitcher, I will be back at it, the first and only one in line, listening to bands years before any of you losers even hear about them.