Deep in the Heart of This Mum, Y’all
Officials with the Colleyville Independent School District in Colleyville, Texas, have issued an Amber Alert for Madison Durban-Pfeiifer, a bright and dynamic junior at Colleyville Heritage High School. Ms. Durban-Pfeiifer was last seen yesterday afternoon after school with her on-again/off-again boyfriend, Jacob “J-Dog” Swanson, third string punter for the high school football team and part-time assistant manager at Buffalo Wild Wings.
While Ms. Durban-Pfeiffer’s disappearance has come as a shock to many, some of us believe we know exactly where she is.
She’s in her homecoming mum.
The mum, entitled “Blissful Remembrance” by the manufacturer, was first introduced in a beta version at the International Homecoming Exposition (HoCoExpPo) in Helsinki in 2012. However, critics claimed it was too expansive, too ambitious, too advanced. Senior officials with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers rejected applications for domestic distribution citing issues with some of the load-bearing support beams. But with recent advancements in carbon-graphite alloy technologies, the mum was cleared for stateside sales, though it has not yet been mass produced.
Described as being “as vast as homecoming dreams are eternal,” the mum is a TriCore® design, meaning it boasts three primary flowering centers. From these three centers flow all manner of silken strand and ribbon. Because of the design of the support trusses, the flowers rest about 33 millimeters away from the wearer, which means the flowing, silky tendrils are constantly in motion, creating an almost oceanic appearance to the entire system. But it’s dense, so the motion is slow and purposeful. Much like the way our destinies are shaped throughout our high school careers as we make choices for good and ill.
But what makes this mum so extraordinary is the color. It never appears to be the same color twice. MumTech (the mum’s manufacturer) color experts recommend the Pegasus Silver Neutral White LED MR16 Low Voltage Freestanding Monopoint Light to provoke the most dramatic colors, but even lame fluorescents, like the ones found at a homecoming dance in a high school gymnasium, will produce stunning results. In fact, those same said fluorescent lights will transmit a lot of reds and blacks, which are, coincidentally, the Colleyville Heritage school colors.
While city police say they do not have any leads or suspects (Hello! She’s in the mum!), some within the force question Ms. Durban-Pfeiffer’s date’s ability to afford such a stunning, opulent, and, dare we say, spectacular mum. J-Dog is an assistant manager at Buffalo Wild Wings, for crying out loud. He probably doesn’t even have a key to the store. How on earth can he afford the Blissful Remembrance?
How?
And what of the mum’s freshness? While the “authorities” are wringing their hands over Ms. Durban-Pfeiffer’s whereabouts (Have they checked the mum? Duh.) they should be spritzing the mum hourly with distilled water. Otherwise, the mobility of the silk and satin, the lace and linen could be compromised, diminishing the soft tinkling sound of the pewter charms as they dance against one another. And these charms, radiating with youthful optimism, when they collide… It sounds like the bells of Maria Gloriosa in Erfurt, Germany, it does.
But what’s truly magical is that these simple, symbolic charms are suspended by a single strand of gossamer-fine silk tethered to the foundation of the mum, which was ingeniously placed within one of the eighteen teddy bears made out of real fur from endangered giant pandas.
“You took fur from endangered giant pandas?” some might ask.
Nay. The endangered giant pandas gave of their fur freely, so special is this mum.
And while the mum boasts materials like gold, silver, linen, and more, the main component is — can you guess? That’s right.
Daydreams.
And for those of you doubting Ms. Durban-Pfeiffer is actually safely inside the mum, let me tell you this: Using a little known process called fractal overlap layering, the inside of that mum is exponentially larger than the outside. She’s probably luxuriating on a bed of lace and satin, tickled by the downy soft feather of the rare Vietnamese shadow dove, blinded by the precious gemstones that give the whole affair that ethereal inner glow. In fact, I’m sure she’s had plenty of chances to leave. But she’s chosen to stay in the mum.
Can you blame her? No. You can’t. I can’t either. So I think I’ll join her. Should be plenty of room. After all, that thing is as vast as homecoming dreams are eternal.
